FRIENDSHIP & CANCER

Two mates just hanging out at the NGV (National Gallery of Victoria), this is always the first thing that comes to mind when I think about Jason. We went there so many times together, we saw so many different shows, for both of us we just loved the place. So many good memories, and one in particular that always comes to mind, one evening we stumbled across an orchestra in the foyer so we both sat there for over an hour listening to these musicians. I dunno but when we were together we’d always find and do the coolest shit, which yeah an orchestra might not seem uber cool, where the magic lay was that we’d both embrace the moments.

We did do heaps of other cool stuff though (and some out-right stupid stuff too), in fact there was a time when I’d turn around, and no matter how strange the place might’ve been Jason was always there. We’d be at the formula one gran prix, comedy club, street festivals, parties, in hospital, an ice bar, at the top of Eureka Tower, eating Christmas day lunches, meeting supermodels, concerts, holidays, at a Star Trek convention, getting tattoos… oh look, the list really is endless. And these are the times I like to remember. Even when Jase moved to Vietnam we’d video call regularly. He’d show me where he was living, introduce me to his neighbours, a few times he even (via phone) took me supermarket shopping and for rides on his motorbike. A very unusual travel experience I must say.

But beyond all the activities and locations, look we were just bloody good mates. Yeah, yeah, and even though he was a NSW Blues supporter in the State of Origin. Also, a weird thing, I was looking through some old home videos recently and damn Jase’s booming radio voice was commentating on almost every single one.

Jason wasn’t only a good dude in my eyes though, he was loved deeply by a lot of people. He was just very relatable and easy going guy, cheeky and fun, a big dickhead, and had a definite magnetism about him. A social leader is what you might call him, hm maybe even someone who commanded social respect. He had a pretty good bullshit radar too, like OMG he would not take any shit, and oh my he loved to fight with taxi drivers – which was always fully justified of course.

He was a good social contributor as well, as in he was always trying to help people, especially through his work. I mean, obviously I met him when he was a disability support worker where he was super proficient and loved by many of the clients, only as he evolved as a person I believe he was much better suited in his role as a school teacher. This is what he was doing in Vietnam, and bloody hell he was passionate about those kids, I heard all about it. I could hear the joy and pride in his voice. Jason had finally found his place in the world, an obsession with his several motorbikes, and had fallen in love with his girlfriend Nga. I was so bloody happy for him, he totally deserved it. And had worked for it too.

Now this is what I don’t understand, um karma, call it what you will. But good people doing good things, yep Jason, yet he coped it bad. Yeah, one day he called me and told me how he had this cancer thing, to which sure I was shocked, but obviously I was like yeah man you can beat it. You’re strong, smart, committed, you’re got this.

It was quite the journey actually, a two and a half year journey, one that started in Vietnam amidst a cloud of cancer confusion, and as it progressed it saw Jason leaving his dream life behind and returning to Melbourne for treatment. He always had plans of returning to Vietnam, I thought it was a great plan and excellent incentive.

Once Jase got to Melbourne, um you may not have heard of it, but there was this COVID-19 pandemic going on. Actually, at the time, he was on one of the last ‘compassion’ flights coming in to Australia as the whole world was pretty much shutting down. I’ll always remember the photos he sent me from the empty airports, so eerie. Anyhow, once arriving, he rented an apartment and basically locked himself away from the world for the next eight months. Bloody awful. All he’d do was go shopping, to the hospital for whatever radiotherapy or chemotherapy treatments, and I was even lucky enough that he visited me a few times.

However, over this period, I never got the feeling that his treatments were going too well. He’d always tell me how the doctors were trying this or that, halting a treatment or waiting for something, and whenever he’d have a PET scan there was always new tumours or the original ones were always getting bigger. This always concerned me, and Jason too I’m sure. I just never understood all the breaks in his treatments nor the concept that Jason needed to wait and get sicker to receive certain meds. This is what worried me most of all.

And, as you’d assume, if you’ve got cancer and the doctors keep stalling, it’s a slippery slope. But look, maybe more was going on than I knew about, so I’m absolutely passing no judgement here. What I will say though, I just wanted the absolute best for my mate, and sadly I don’t know if I ever felt that. Maybe I’m wrong? Also, regrettably I didn’t know much about cancer therapies, so who the bloody hell was I to advise. And again, regrettably, I wish I had’ve explored this cancer stuff more here so I could’ve been more helpful, even more supportive, yet of course Jason would be the one driving the bus.

Nevertheless, long story short, and again no judgement or putting blame, slowly things stated to go bad, very bad. More tumours, more hospital stays, more drugs, but worst of all the pain started. Again, regrettably or maybe more so naively, I never knew the full implications of cancer nor how bad it can get, well I do now. It is fucking brutal. It literally can and does shut down the body systems, and for us onlookers, it’s absolutely heart-breaking.

Now, I’m a bit conflicted here with how much detail to include, but knowing Jason I’m sure he’d want me to be truthful yet also respectful. So, I’ll try my best. But shit this was a harsh ride and really there’s not to many ways to sugar-coat that.

You see, no matter what treatment he was on, the cancer was slowly eating away at his body from the inside going out. Tumours in his brain, lungs, on his spine, only worst of all was the one in his pelvis. I think it was even eating through the bone. Bloody hell. But what came with this or the implications, Jason lost control of his bladder and eventually his bowel. Actually, number ones were constant yet umber twos wouldn’t work at all. I don’t want to say any more about that.

If this wasn’t bad enough though, this is when the pain level went from moderate to unbearable. Like I’d often be talking to Jase and he’d be curled up on the bathroom floor completely paralysed by pain. Okay, I think I’ve said enough, like I said I want to be respectful. Still, whenever we spoke, I was always shocked by what I was hearing, particularly as this was somebody I hated that he was having to go through all this. Particularly the pain. Harsh times a billion. This was way worse than anything I’d ever been through.

At times, actually most of the time, I never knew what to say. I could see exactly where this was headed yet I stuck by my mate as much as I could, I know he’d have done the same for me (and he’d actually done this in the past). So, I was all in. I can say it now though, gees it was bloody hard on me and it took quite a toll. I mean, listening to such a good friend facing his own mortality then his eventual demise, it tore at my heart a lot. Yet, it was also an honour to have been able to play such a role, like this scenario is the ultimate test of any friendship. I just hope (and it still plays on my mind) that I did enough.

Like, I hope I was that friendly ear when Jason needed it most, but hey, I’ll never know now. Well, at least I know I tried. You see, what was especially hard for Jason, as he’d been living over in Vietnam for quite awhile, many of his support networks here in Melbourne had lapsed. So, sure he had his family only he was completely alone a lot too. We’d chat about this a fair bit and crikey it was sad, especially as his girlfriend was still in Vietnam. If I had the money I would have flown her out here for sure.

Anyhow, as the cancer kept progressing (and without ever saying it, it was obvious that both of our hearts were breaking through this whole ordeal). But my part paled in significance when compared to Jason’s, I was only listening to it all, he was living it. Especially the pain part, honestly I don’t know how he did it, like a few times he ended up in hospital and ended up on the highest dose possible of all the top-end pain killers yet he was still in agony. But he did it and put up with it for months. I think this shows how badly he wanted to live. I admired this fight for life, this zest, this strength like you wouldn’t believe. He wanted his life in Vietnam back so bad.

This fight was highlighted further when all the conventional treatments had failed, then all the experimental drug trials began. Jason gave it all a go. One even looked like it was working at one point, I remember watching a video of this lanky wanker doing his dorky dance moves up and down some supermarket aisles, only this was very short lived. It was one heart-break after another. And the pain just kept getting worse and worse. Now, about this time is when many people tend to run away, like the writing is on the wall and it tends to scare the absolute shit out of most people, only there was no way I was going to be that parson. This was my mate and I knew I had to jump off the cliff with him. Fuck.

Even when his liver failed, his eyes went yellow, his urine black, I was always there to remind him of all the amazing times we’d had. Running a half marathon, Jason fighting with yet another taxi driver at the casino rank. I’d always try to brighten his day but often the retort was just next level demoralising. Like I’d be talking about some bullshit and Jason would be reply about a doctor’s meeting that was exploring assisted suicide. It was nuts. Things really had got that bad, especially the pain. And I knew how much he wanted to live, far out it was all so sad. He didn’t deserve this. Nobody deserves this. Especially someone in their prime.

Urrgh, deep breath. I hate tragedy. Anyways, as Jason rather quickly became weaker, he began losing dexterity in his fingers so he could no longer message. No matter though, I kept sending small encouragements. Then, one day on the off chance when dad was over, on the off-chance I tried to video call and luckily Jase picked up. But shit he was weak and could barely keep his eyes open, still it was in this very brief conversation that we said our goodbyes. Then a couple of days later I got a random message that simply read “I’m fucked mate, sorry”, then a few days later I received the message from Jason’s brother that I was dreading telling me that Jason has passed. It was on valentine’s day, the day of heart worship yet mine had been shattered. This whole thing was one big crushing defeat.

Now, as much as I’d like to think I know how the universe works, damn screw you whomever you are pulling the strings out there. This has to be one of the most bullshit and cruel things I’ve ever witnessed in my lifetime, and to such a good guy. Kind, helpful, admittedly a bit of a pisshead, but a bloke with a really good heart. And sadly, or worst of all I suppose, this type of cancer tragedy is not uncommon. In fact, it’s common and a very real possibility for any of us in these toxic modern-day societies. Still, yes you big guy up top, please do something about this ridiculousness. It’s painful and soul-destroying, and that’s just for those of us watching from afar, so sheez I really do feel for those people going through it. Also, Jason was a strong dude and seeing his struggle was eye-popping, yet for somebody emotionally ill-equipt I the to think of the repercussions.

Still, all this certainly does make one thing clear, damn life is precious. And it can be taken away at moment and at any time no matter how badly we want to be here. It just reality and sadly a reality that not many of us think about. Actually, a fate that awaits many of us, one day we’ll all be poised in a fight against our own bodies. For some it might be in fifty years, others in two, but it’s pretty inevitable. And sure some win, others lose, and sadly, this time around my mate lost. Tragic.

I guess if anything, it just makes me value our time spent together that little bit more. Our days at the NGV, even thinking about it now makes me smile.

Rest in peace buddy, I hope you’re flying with the angels.

Miss you already man xx